Attitude Adjustment

Ok the pity party is over.

It lasted a couple of days and now I have decided that my attitude needs to change. I have come to this conclusion because of a three year old. Everyday I could probably tell her to have a good attitude when she doesn't get her way and normally it's necessary. Today a few hours after I told her that exact phrase and asked her is she was going to have a good attitude or not, I realized that my attitude is horrible.

My last post was very true but also very selfish. Who am I to say that just because I want someone to pay attention to me or make me feel special that they should. I have the ultimate Valentine everyday of my life if I choose to see it. I easily forget that when I get insecure (which happens often) that the desires of my heart, the seemingly good desires, are coming from a sinful heart. This in turn makes them filled with selfishness, jealousy, and discontentment.

The desires of my heart really are to have a family some day and take care of my own children, instead of someone else's, and to have a man in my life to lean on and support through the good and bad times but why do I feel that because it is is a good desire that I deserve it when I want it. I don't.

The Lord is good, and just, and perfect, and pure. He is the one that is in control of my future. I will continue to be honest about the things that I want in my life and hopefully someday that desire will be fulfilled. Until that day I will remember that the one in control of my future, is my future, and my past, and my present. I will stand on His character and live in it.

Valentines Day Blues

Valentines Day.........

Sucks. Big time.

I have always had a little bit of heartache every year on V-day because of being single but this year was especially bad because I know how good it could be. I am sick of it being a normal day for me while everyone else has something special going on. I hate that I try and make other people feel important and special when in return they don't do the same for me. One year I decided that I did not want to wait for that significant other to take me to a cute restaurant downtown so I got almost an entire section of girls from my dorm to dress up and go out with me. No more waiting around I thought and then here I am a few years later and more depressed than I have ever been. I have not had boyfriends and then been broken up with to make this a sad day I haven't even had anything remotely close but today was a bummer.
I am not this person but all day today I have been bummed out and trying to hide it. I got my roomies cards and left them out and I did laundry and cleaned for my nanny family and they got me a great present but it didn't help. Why is there one day a year that makes every single person cringe. People who are in love should show it everyday not just because of a holiday.

I wish I could say that this termoil is because I am finally done with school and ready to move on with my life and have a relationship but the truth is I feel torn up because of a boy. A boy that I have been friends with for almost 6 years. Now of course in the last month he has been the front runner in my mind when I think about the future. I have always had this thought in the back of my mind that this friend was a great guy and would make any girl lucky. I had been content being the friend that asked about the potential relationships without ever expecting to be one. I was ok with that until recently. I get a phone call out of nowhere to see me and make time to visit and catch up and I am all for it, why not this is my friend who I haven't seen in forever right? Wrong it is different but maybe just for me. We hug the same, we laugh and joke the same, we are surrounded by the same people but my heart was falling apart. When he said I looked good and hugged me goodbye I didn't want it to be for very long this time.

When I decided to go visit three weeks later I didn't care that it seemed like a bad idea. My heart said go and see what this all means when my head was telling me to stay home and not risk the heartache. I went with my heart and came back in the place that my head warned me about. I had spent time with his friends, the people closest to him, and his family only creating more ties and emotions to him that I don't need. I didn't need to watch him be tender and caring for a group of girls having a sleepover like a dad or sweet big brother, I didn't need to see him love on his nieces and get stickers put all over him, I didn't need to share those moments of connection with a look or joke between us that only we would understand, I didn't need him take care of me and share his family with me...... But I did.
Now that it happened I don't know how to take it back. I don't want to know those things because my heart can't take it. I don't want to care and get my heart broken but I can see myself falling over the edge and not being able to stop it. All I can do is wait and try and hand over all of this to the one Valentine that will never let me down. Jesus help me understand.

I have the Valentines Day Blues.