Attitude Adjustment

Ok the pity party is over.

It lasted a couple of days and now I have decided that my attitude needs to change. I have come to this conclusion because of a three year old. Everyday I could probably tell her to have a good attitude when she doesn't get her way and normally it's necessary. Today a few hours after I told her that exact phrase and asked her is she was going to have a good attitude or not, I realized that my attitude is horrible.

My last post was very true but also very selfish. Who am I to say that just because I want someone to pay attention to me or make me feel special that they should. I have the ultimate Valentine everyday of my life if I choose to see it. I easily forget that when I get insecure (which happens often) that the desires of my heart, the seemingly good desires, are coming from a sinful heart. This in turn makes them filled with selfishness, jealousy, and discontentment.

The desires of my heart really are to have a family some day and take care of my own children, instead of someone else's, and to have a man in my life to lean on and support through the good and bad times but why do I feel that because it is is a good desire that I deserve it when I want it. I don't.

The Lord is good, and just, and perfect, and pure. He is the one that is in control of my future. I will continue to be honest about the things that I want in my life and hopefully someday that desire will be fulfilled. Until that day I will remember that the one in control of my future, is my future, and my past, and my present. I will stand on His character and live in it.

Valentines Day Blues

Valentines Day.........

Sucks. Big time.

I have always had a little bit of heartache every year on V-day because of being single but this year was especially bad because I know how good it could be. I am sick of it being a normal day for me while everyone else has something special going on. I hate that I try and make other people feel important and special when in return they don't do the same for me. One year I decided that I did not want to wait for that significant other to take me to a cute restaurant downtown so I got almost an entire section of girls from my dorm to dress up and go out with me. No more waiting around I thought and then here I am a few years later and more depressed than I have ever been. I have not had boyfriends and then been broken up with to make this a sad day I haven't even had anything remotely close but today was a bummer.
I am not this person but all day today I have been bummed out and trying to hide it. I got my roomies cards and left them out and I did laundry and cleaned for my nanny family and they got me a great present but it didn't help. Why is there one day a year that makes every single person cringe. People who are in love should show it everyday not just because of a holiday.

I wish I could say that this termoil is because I am finally done with school and ready to move on with my life and have a relationship but the truth is I feel torn up because of a boy. A boy that I have been friends with for almost 6 years. Now of course in the last month he has been the front runner in my mind when I think about the future. I have always had this thought in the back of my mind that this friend was a great guy and would make any girl lucky. I had been content being the friend that asked about the potential relationships without ever expecting to be one. I was ok with that until recently. I get a phone call out of nowhere to see me and make time to visit and catch up and I am all for it, why not this is my friend who I haven't seen in forever right? Wrong it is different but maybe just for me. We hug the same, we laugh and joke the same, we are surrounded by the same people but my heart was falling apart. When he said I looked good and hugged me goodbye I didn't want it to be for very long this time.

When I decided to go visit three weeks later I didn't care that it seemed like a bad idea. My heart said go and see what this all means when my head was telling me to stay home and not risk the heartache. I went with my heart and came back in the place that my head warned me about. I had spent time with his friends, the people closest to him, and his family only creating more ties and emotions to him that I don't need. I didn't need to watch him be tender and caring for a group of girls having a sleepover like a dad or sweet big brother, I didn't need to see him love on his nieces and get stickers put all over him, I didn't need to share those moments of connection with a look or joke between us that only we would understand, I didn't need him take care of me and share his family with me...... But I did.
Now that it happened I don't know how to take it back. I don't want to know those things because my heart can't take it. I don't want to care and get my heart broken but I can see myself falling over the edge and not being able to stop it. All I can do is wait and try and hand over all of this to the one Valentine that will never let me down. Jesus help me understand.

I have the Valentines Day Blues.

Taking a stand!!!

My life lately has been crazy. I am involved in so many things and most of them have to do with my Christian faith or belief in God but throughout every new activity or song I sing I have been at a stand still. I have been allowing the Devil to run rampant in my heart and my mind and it has tainted all of those seemingly holy places in my life. I hear all about the Holiness of God and the freedom that his love can bring but I was not stepping into this comfort of peace. I want to say that as of today I AM TAKING A STAND!

This is a huge deal in my life and I will need many friends and fellow believers to help me fight this battle. My struggle is purity. The world has made it easy for me to surround myself with sexual impurity, lust, self-gratification, desire, and many other negative ungodly things. I have filled my mind with movies, pictures, books, and activities that allow Satan a stronghold in my heart. I have felt that I cannot reveal any of the struggles that I have because of my image to my friends, church, school, and work. I now realize that my image is God and therefore so my life should reflect that image. It doesn't matter that I have been a part of these evil things because God's blood has been shed and covers me. That blood wipes away any guilt or shame that I might feel towards the world because I only have to answer to Jesus my savior.

I have the power to fight this battle and the devils schemes will not convince me otherwise. I am putting on the defensive armor of God and standing firm in the power that has been given to me by the Holy Spirit. I will fight for my innocence and purity of heart. I am taking captive the thoughts that have brought nothing but pain and replacing them with that which is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. I will flee from the devils arrows and guard myself with the belt of truth, breastplate or righteousness, feet fitted with readiness with the gospel of peace, shield of faith, helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit. With these tools and the prayers of God's people I will make it through and will win this battle.

If you are reading this that means that I am asking that you stand with me in this fight. I cannot do it alone and I do not want to anymore. I want to bring in warriors of the faith to surround me and lift me up in prayer and with encouragement. I hope that in battles that you may face that you will ask me to fight with you in return. If you are willing to fight with me please let me know and we can defeat the devil and his place in my life!!!!!

The Ultimate Provider

Hello Friends,

I just want to say that I am so grateful for the friends that I have. I have sometimes felt like I was walking this strange path alone getting ready to go to China but I realized tonight that God has always and is always providing people to surround me with encouragement.
Let me explain myself. My roommates (I have 8 amazing roomies) wanted to have a hang out night at our house lead by our friend Matt. He agreed to come tonight and we invited whoever we thought would show up. We have gatherings like this at our house a lot and we never know who is going to come but God always plans it just right. Tonight we had a great group of people that God destined to be there in more ways than just one. We started out the night with some songs on guitar and piano and reading some good stuff. Some of the verses were perfect for things I had been struggling with and the songs spoke to my heart. God can do so much through the power of music and tonight was no exception for sure. The blending of voices is enough for me to have a great night but it gets better!
Later my good friend Dave that I talked about yesterday asked if anyone needed prayer. We set out a prayer seat and prayed over people and whatever situation was going on in their lives for the next three hours! If you want to really get to know someone ask what you can pray for in their lives and you will find out. God has a way of making you vulnerable when you ask for prayer and pray for other people. Another girl in the group said her prayer request and I was put to shame. She talked about how she needed to raise thousands of dollars to work in Mexico for a year and I realized that with God how could I question his work in my life. I was so encouraged by her spirit of faithfulness that I almost felt like I couldn't even bring my requests to the group because her situation was way bigger than mine. I didn't want to say anything when so many other people had circumstances that are so important and of course I can pray on my own if I need it ( Lame excuse) but I got called out by my roomie Emma who said everyone needed to pray over me. It was exactly how it needed to happen and I am grateful to her for saying something when I don't know if I would have had the courage.
When they prayed it was God speaking to my heart and to all my fears and insecurities to cast them out. I was crying like I normally do when I pray or get prayed for but it was tears of joy to share this burden that I had been carrying by myself. I have so many friends and family willing to help that I can't be afraid to ask and I know God will give me the peace I need to make it through the next three weeks.

I ask that you seek the Lord with me and lift me up in prayer and remind me that I am not the only one wandering in fear and doubt alone. A wise person recently said if it's his will it's his bill and as corny as that sounds I believe the truth behind that statement.

Still on the course towards Christ,
Lauren B.

It's Just Like Ohio!

Hello Friends,

A very wise person gave me some really solid words of wisdom recently. We were sitting in a small group where I am the youngest person learning from some very wise, experienced, amazing God followers and as I related my feelings about going to China and from across the room I heard this phrase, "It's just like Ohio, don't worry." As I sat and thought about the weight of truth to that statement I realize that it really has no truth in it at all or at least I hope China is better than Ohio and it just released a lot of tension that I had been feeling up until that point.

I am continually amazed at what God has done through this experience so far and I haven't even left the state yet. In such a simple statement made as a joke it lightened the mood I was in and allowed me to give up some stress and control of the situation because what if it is like Ohio? The point is that I don't know and I need to trust that God has his hand on this trip and in my heart.

Another cool thing that happened was in my finances. I have not made even near the amount that I need but God has still shown up in big ways. I got a list of people that have so far donated to my cause and the small amount gave Satan a stronghold of fear and worry right away that God did not want to be there. The next few times I was in my car I was praying or talking on the phone to my mom and Sarah from Church to hopefully get things figured out there. As I prayed by myself I still felt peace that I should be going but I need to have faith about my finances and I really wanted someone to pray with me about everything but didn't have the time to talk to anyone specifically about it. Tonight on the way home from moving some of my stuff to Hudsonville where I will be living next year my good friend Dave called me about something completely unrelated to China finances and then ended the conversation lead by God by praying specifically about China and my finances!!!!

GOD IS AMAZING!!!

God has so exceeded my expectations unspoken or spoken that I can't fathom serving a God that does not know and understand my needs before I do.

May the light of truth reflect in my life,

Lauren B.

Penny for my thoughts.

Hey Friends,

Time for another update about my life before China.
Lately I have been having mixed feelings of excitement and stress of all the things I have to do before I leave. My first feelings is the stress about getting everything ready to go, dealing with leaving half way through the summer, fear about going to another country, walking out of my comfort zone teaching by myself to students who's language that I can't speak in any way shape or form, not being ready for such a big task and probably many other fear and stresses that I can't name or comprehend right now.
The things that I am excited about are so much more though because God is Faithful and Just. I am excited about having new experiences in another country and working with a team of people that not knowing very well have been on my heart the last few months. I am amazed at the peace I feel despite not having very much of my finances taken care of yet and struggling to even live my normal life let alone a month long trip across the world. I am grateful to the people that I have talked to that I know will support me in this experience in any way that they can. I had many conversations this week that have encouraged me through this time of preparation. I get a huge smile on my face when I think about the students I will be teaching and all the ways that I will be able to use what God has taught me.
In a packet that I got about my packing list and tips and there was one thing that I thought was really cool. The information said that I should find a good body spray from bath and body works and wearing it everyday while I am in China then not wearing it for a month and when I smell it again it will bring back so many memories about my experience, my students, my team, and the country. That was such a cool idea to me to have memories impacted so much by smells and to use that purposefully to bring the experiences and stories back to my mind. I am definitely going to do that and to try and journal everyday that I am there so I can look back and what I learned to better relate it to the people in the states.

I hope this all made sense and I am hoping for your support and prayer as all these feelings hit me at the same time. Feel free to make any comments or helpful hints if you have had similar experiences and feelings going on a trip.

May his face shine upon you and keep you
Lauren B.

The Journey Begins

As I start this blog I would like the first few months to be dedicated to my trip to China. I will be heading to China on July 8th, 2009. Before going I will be on a plane to Denver, Colorado to train with my team from Cornerstone University. I have 10 teammates from my school that will be traveling and teaching with me in the Sichuan province. I still have lots of finances to raise for the trip so the next few weeks will be spent preparing for the trip.

Before my trip I will be working at the Creative Learning Center Day Care in Grand Rapids and Chuck E. Cheese. At the day care I work with the infants up to one years of age and love it! They are so cute and though they only eat, sleep, poop, and put stuff in their mouths they are some of my favorite company :) I know what I am doing when I get around kids and teaching in some form is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I have gifts and talents that I can use in the classroom and I am excited to teach the Chinese high school students I will encounter.

I will be writing about where I am in the process and letting everyone know any prayer requests that come up. I want to hear any comments and prayer requests that you have or tell me what is going on in your lives.

Thank You

Lauren B.